a good day September 30, 2008

I had an AWESOME day today. Which is good because I’ve been pretty down the last few days.

My month end sales last month (fiscal September ended on 9/27 for me) were horrible. My store was down 30%. Which completely and utterly sucks. Especially for me as a new manager. I’m trying to prove myself and I don’t like this inconsistency.

So I’ve worked my ass off these last few days and it’s paid off! We’ve hit the first three days of our month, DOUBLING todays goal!! I am so excited! I love this momentum! Now if only we can keep it I will make my trip quota and Dominican Republic here I come! We have a choice this year. Mayacoba or the Dominican Republic…and as the Dominican Republic hotel is all inclusive…lets just say Dominican Republic here I come!

That and I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with my boss today. It was an AWESOME conversation. A conversation I so needed to have with her. I am so excited for my store to do well. I so want to prove that not only can I train people and run/organizes offices and audit, I can run a whole store as well! Package deal baby.

Anyways, all of this and I am exhausted. I slept for 12 hours straight last night and tho I feel better, I don’t feel like it was the sleep that helped me. I think it’s the adrenaline from the amazing day I had today. I am feeling better I can tell. I am not there yet, but it’s possible I beat my asthma without prednisone. Which is a good feeling. Second time I’ve done that…of course if I have beaten it. So I’m not coughing nearly as bad and my nose is starting to dry up. BUT I am exhausted. Utterly exhausted. Which is why I am going to bed now. ‘night!

my moment September 28, 2008

My moment. I’m having a moment. A really down moment. The moment comes after 5 minutes of coughing to the point of almost puking. One minute I’m sitting at my desk playing Sudoku online, the next I’m coughing. A dry asthmatic hack that zaps everything out of me. The next minute I’m pushed away from the desk with my head between my knees because I don’t have the energy to sit up. I can’t breath. And in that moment it all hits me.
It’s all consuming again. It’s like it all opened up and swallowed me into this horrible pit of ill health. I know it’s not that bad and it could be a lot worse. But it’s discouraging. I spent the majority of this summer without any medication I was doing so well. My shots are finally working and an end was in sight.
I guess there is still an end in sight, but this is a setback. I’m worried that the only way to beat this flare up is with Prednisone. Something I’ve managed to avoid for almost 2 years now. I was very proud of that. I’ve taken many steps forward, I don’t want to take any steps back.
What’s more frustrating is that if I had been more careful this could have been avoided. It’s taken me years to learn my dairy allergy and how to control it. I guess there’s a learning curve with my asthma too. Maybe I was just hoping it had gone away. I only want to be healthy. And for a moment, I was.
I remember when I was little I always wanted one day. Just one day without my allergies. One day not to worry about any of it. One day of not reading ingredient labels, double checking my meals or being careful of what trees I walked under. If I could just have one day I would be happy.
Well I haven’t experienced that with my food allergies, but I did experience it with my asthma. In fact I had more than one day, I had almost an entire summer. No medication, no flare ups, excellent doctor’s visits. No asthma. If that is all I ever get I will be happy.
I guess my moment is over before I even realized it every existed. Both my discouraging moment and my asthma free moment. I wish I could realize these moments before they passed. Scratch that. Give me a few minutes, I’ll be hacking up another lung and there’ll be another discouraging moment. It’s going to be a long night.

sick and impatient September 28, 2008

You know for so many things I am patient. Other things I am not very patient. I am going through a very impatient phase regarding something in my life and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. It just makes me stress more that I will be ruining something with my impatience. But I don’t want to wait. Grumble Grumble.
I went home sick from work today. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I could have made it thru the day, but we had coverage. I work a long week and I don’t really have a chance to rest at all, except for today. So I took advantage of it. Hopefully by taking the time to relax today it’ll make me stronger for tomorrow. I hope.
I have to say I hate going home sick. Any sign of weakness like that. I’ve only ever actually called in sick for work once (last Christmas if you remember that flu). I’ve gone home before, but only after I’ve been assured that my store is covered. See that’s the thing about my job, if I go home sick there has to be someone there to cover for me. Which can be difficult. I was fortunate today that I could leave after the girls had taken their lunches and they’ll be just fine. Thank god for dead Sundays.
I’m going to nap now. Try to curb my impatience. I want to know. I want to know now. I want contact now. I don’t want to lie down in bed and hack up a lung, I want to be somewhere else. Oh well. All the sweeter for the waiting, eh?

crap. September 28, 2008

Crap. I did it again. I overdid it. I pushed myself too far and now I’m paying for it. I’ve been coughing for about 5 hours straight. I’ve been sick for about a week. I managed to hold off my cold from really hitting me until after I got back from Florida. Which I’m working on getting pictures and a post put together for btw.
Anyways I’m sick and I spent all week hanging around people who smoke. Not to mention my hanging out in a smoky bar with my cousin until 3am. So no sleep and cigarette smoke while I’m sick. That’s just wonderful.
I do this every time. It’s just so easy to forget that you have limits, you know? I’ve felt so awesome this whole summer, I even stopped taking my asthma and allergy medication altogether. I haven’t needed it. My shots are finally working and I am ecstatic about that.
But I have to remember that I am not invincible. I pushed myself too hard too fast and hopefully I won’t need prednisone to fix it. I was just having so much fun not worrying about things like that, it’s very depressing to take a step back. I’ve spent my entire life worrying about this kind of crap, it was nice to not have to stress over it.
I’ll be fine. I hope I can sleep. Ugh. I’m going to try to sleep now, hopefully I won’t cough too badly. I’ve used my rescue inhaler several times today, hopefully that helps at least get me a few hours of good sleep.
Remind me next time that I have limits, alright?
It was a good feeling though. Being invincible. I kinda liked it.

just getting home…3am. September 27, 2008

apparently I make a good wingman. Who knew? I need to get out more often. I think I’ve drank more in the last week than I have in my entire life. But I have to say, this last week has been one of the best I’ve ever had. I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow…or…er…in 6 hours. tee hee.

okay September 26, 2008

I think this is one of those down days. I’m trying to bring it around, trying to pick myself up. Actually let me correct that. I haven’t been trying to pick myself up. It wasn’t until I wrote that first line that I realized I needed to be picked up. Then I wrote the second line without thinking…that’s just what I do. I think this is a good thing.
I’m pretty down right now. I’ve got a cold and I just had a frustrating moment with the soon to be ex. I just got back from Orlando so I’m still on East Coast time, I barely slept. Not to mention all the information that’s swimming through my head from my meetings, I have to say it was very motivating. I will write more on it later. I will add that I have discovered that I can charm corporate executives while drunk, which is quite the feat if I do say so myself.
I am glad that I have the ability to write, I am glad that I sat down to write. Honestly I’m running a little late for something right now, but I’m feeling better. I didn’t realize maybe that I could make myself feel better?
A friend recently told me that I should be content with myself. That I don’t need the approval of others to validate my own life. That hit me because I realize that I haven’t always been able to be happy with myself, and I’ve always known that. I just haven’t cared. It didn’t matter. The last few weeks I’ve realized that I do care. That it’s important. I’ve also realized that though I am happy with myself, I still need that companionship. That friendship.
I wonder if those go hand in hand. My need for companionship and my need for approval. Are they the same thing? They feel like it. But I’m not sure. I realized also that even though I have been trying to be happy with myself and that I don’t need companionship I haven’t been succeeding. Until today. Until that moment, somewhere in the pause after I wrote my second sentence. I did it. And I’ve done more since I started writing. I’m going to be okay.
I’m feeling better now. I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to be able to do what I wanted to do tonight, what I felt like I needed to do. But I’m okay with that. I’ll make other plans. Or maybe I’ll just hang out at home. I’m okay with that too. Life will work out. I can help myself, I just need to realize that I need the help. Today I did that.
Now to help myself even more I am going to take a hot shower and then drive to Hillsboro to sign some house papers. Then potentially hang out with my cousin, or maybe I’ll just head home. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll go by New Seasons and do some much needed grocery shopping.
I think I’m realizing that life will always have ups and downs, it’s just enjoying the moments that happen around it all. Ha. We actually talked about this in one of our work seminars, being in the moment. Through the physical and financial stress, I’m going to be okay. Life is good.

gone September 20, 2008

alrighty! This is it!! My bags are packed and I’m ready to go!! I am so excited. It just hit me today everything and everywhere I’m going!

So next post will be from Disney’s Coronado Springs Resort in Walt Disney World!! Yippee!!

Adventure September 20, 2008

It’s 1am. I’m exhausted. There’s an open suitcase on my bed with next to nothing in it. The washing machine rumbles away in the hallway but the sound of Given To Fly by Pearl Jam is playing on my itunes and that’s all I can really hear. My mind is alive and awake with anxiety ridden lists that I’ve been writing for days on what to pack, yet my suitcase is for the most part empty. All this while a candle flickers next to me, my sad little attempt to calm my nerves.
I am excited. In a little over 24 hours I will be on a plane to Orlando. A managers meeting yes, lots of shop talk and business oriented seminars but it’s the idea of it all. Traveling and learning, meeting new people and experiencing well, life.
Every aspect of this trip is thrilling. Everything from flying in an airplane (honestly I’ve flown more times than I can count, but I still find it fun!) to the honor of being important enough of a person for some corporation to pay to fly me across the country, put me up in a hotel and entertain me for five days.
All the while my anxiety is back in full force. I swear sometimes I feel like it tries to run my life. I work very hard to not let it. I can feel its presence and it affects some aspects of my life, but I’m refusing to let it affect others. Things like this managers meeting, it won’t get in the way. I won’t let it.
That doesn’t mean I won’t let it have some of its way. For days I’ve been writing my lists. I have this fear of forgetting something vital, like my Epipens or my cell phone charger. So I have about 10 pages of lists of everything that I’m going to pack. Everything that I’ve planned to wear, every outfit down to the underwear. That way I don’t forget anything. OCD much?
I can’t seem to stop yawning but I can’t sleep. I should get to bed, this will be my last night to sleep in my own bed until next Thursday. I’m still debating on what jewelry to bring. I don’t want to travel with too much, but I want to show off what I own. I am very proud of my collection and these are all people who appreciate things like that. We’ll have to see.
I have to say I’m having one of those rare moments where sleep seems like a waste of time. In 12 hours I will be almost through my work day and I have so much to do. 12 hours after that I will be at the point of no return staying at my cousin’s house up in Portland. Now is my opportunity to get things done and I’m supposed to sleep? I can sleep when I’m dead.
Countdown to Orlando adventure: 27 hours 7 minutes.

WOW September 18, 2008

3,300 Hearts on Fire diamonds totaling over 1,000 cts valued at over $10 million.

revelation September 16, 2008

I have also officially discovered that the ice cube tray will only produce ice cubes if it goes into the freezer, not the refrigerator.

it’s been a long day.